The Lurking Shadows of Sexual Assault / Molestation
Sexual Assault
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month – and so I wanted to share a post not so that anyone will feel bad, angry or sad for me. But so that others who might feel they are alone in their pain, can see that they are not. And also to know that life does get better, if/ when we truly allow ourselves to heal.
As many of you know, I was molested as a little girl. The details of which are intentionally murky. I’ve actually gone to a lot of trouble to block those memories out. And yet at times, conversely dedicate time to sorting things out and moving past that hurt, pain and anger to become whole again.
If you had asked me yesterday morning if I was clear of it, I would have said yes. I’ve done the work, I’m good. But then I got a message via Facebook (of all places) that gave me more information about what happened in my past – and I went into a tail spin.
All of a sudden I understood Christina Angulera’s Beautiful lyrics is a whole new way”
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it’s hard to breath
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I’m so ashamed
This time my feelings were of anger. Anger at not being kept safe by people (parents) who KNEW that the likelihood of something happening to me was high, given I was being left with the same person who had molested family members in the past.
oooh – sooo soo mad!
The sane, logical, compassionate side of me wants to say, let it go. The adults involved were in denial themselves of what happened with them and that family history. But at the same time the other side of me SEEs my girlfriends who have also been molested, and they are HYPER sensitive to any signs their children may show of anything being wrong. And their childcare choices are always with the safety and wellbeing of the child first. I have a friend who didn’t leave her young ones in a place most would consider fine, because she said it was too big, that there were too many places a small child could end up and not be seen.
And yet when we were growing up – our parents did not do the same for us. WHY????
So I’m mad. And while I know I can’t stay this way. That being angry only eats away at the person holding the anger. I’m pissed off damn it! And I really at this point don’t want to speak to certain family members ever again.
I know I will – but just for today, maybe even this week, I’m done.
Writer’s note: I did go see my clearing practitioner after this, and I was able to release the anger I had in a relatively short timespan after writing this post. But as always, I want to share all sides of healing and recovery. For me, this was a good step towards healing. Being sad and upset is a lower energy level than anger. Anger was, in my eyes, actually a positive step forward. To continue moving up the emotional ladder, getting over anger was of course also key. Was it my last visit? No. There was unfortunately a few more visits to deal with the layers of memory and pain. But now, at the other side of that pain, I am feeling very whole, very at-cause and very at peace. The peace, I think might be the best. Wishing you peace as well. xoxo.
If this blog resonated with you, you might also like: Unraveling The Web of the Past
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