The Other Woman

Single Life

by My Devina | 12 comments

The “other woman” We all hate her – That Bitch! Does she not know what we have? Why doesn’t she find her own man? Why did she have to stalk mine? This is commonly what we think/ say if we learn ourselves or our girlfriend’s relationship has a 3rd party involved.

But what happens when you discover that YOU have been the other woman and didn’t know it? I learned a few weeks ago that my on-again off-again ex-boyfriend had an actual girlfriend. When I finally asked him to explain – his explanation actually made things a whole lot worse. Turns out I was the other woman for at least 1.5 years! WOW. Ouch. And double Fuck.

I really had no clue. Dude would call me every time he was in Vegas or on a guy’s trip at night – always missing me. I thought he wasn’t out partying it up or looking for a girl , he was calling me. (Turns out he would just wait until she was asleep and then text me!)

When I asked him about his love life – there were women he dated or made out with on occasion, but never once did he say he had a girlfriend – or someone LIVING with him!! I seriously had NO idea. We’d have lunch, we’d have dinner – he would tell me he loved me. He would text me at all hours of the night or day.

Seriously – no idea someone I had made a home with, loved and hoped would come round to working through his shit one day if I just gave him space, was in fact in an other relationship with someone who thought she was the only one.

And while I could be bitter. While I could sit here and decide all men suck. At the same time I know I was ripping myself off by allowing a guy in my life to take up space in my heart, when he wasn’t willing to give me all of his. And while I don’t fee like I deserved to be treated like crap, I did on some level bring this on myself. That, I think, is really the suckiest part about it.

Excuse me while I go scream in a bucket…

Editor’s Note: For anyone reading this and feeling it hits close to home, know that there is not only light at the end of the tunnel, there is a full, happy and blessed life, with someone who TRULY deserves you. As soon as we no longer hold space for someone unworthy of our love, great things happen. : )

Can anyone relate? Has anyone had a similar experience?

My Devina

My Devina is a site for women. Someone once described our site as being about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Orgasm." And we would agree. Our goal is to provide a site of of flirty, sometimes controversial, mostly humorous and informative posts written for everyone to enjoy. So regardless if your relationship status is single, divorced, in a relationship, or It's Complicated, www.MyDevina.com has uplifting and fun content for you.

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Comments (12)

LaciJuly 9, 2011 Log in to Reply

Oh my… that sucks!!! So sorry!
- Michelle@MyDevinaJuly 12, 2011 Log in to Reply
  
  Thank you Laci!
SLYJuly 12, 2011 Log in to Reply

Well, you read of one incident that happened a few months back on my site and right before that had been another guy I’d been going out with who had a live in girlfriend too. I can’t begin to articulate the frustration I felt. I’m still trying to figure out how it happened, twice…right after another. I’m not bitter or jaded but it has me thinking!
- Michelle@MyDevinaJuly 12, 2011 Log in to Reply
  
  Sheena – I’m glad you aren’t bitter. I guess besides just faith in people, and faith in someone I had been quite close to for years I did make a mistake by not going to his house anymore. But I did that because going there was too painful – I had decorated it for the two of us – so going there just hurt too much. Whenever I have met a new guy I’m interested in I always make sure I have been to his place by the 2nd or 3rd date. The old, trust but verify. : ( Kind of sad we even have to worry about that when dating. Thanks for sharing your blog with me. xoxo
Dr. Erica GoodstoneJuly 14, 2011 Log in to Reply

Michelle,
I think the problem has something to do with cell phones and texting. If a man is living with another woman, he would have difficulty calling to talk with you at late hours, morning hours, Saturday night. If he’s living with another woman, he is probably not spending entire weekends with you. Texting can be done at any time, with the other person sitting across from you at a dinner table or sitting next to you on a couch.
It seems to me you are a loving and trusting person and it is time to decide what YOU want and to not be so trusting. Have you been to his apt? If so, you would have noticed a woman’s things there. Warmly,
Dr. Erica
- Michelle@MyDevinaJuly 15, 2011 Log in to Reply
  
  Dr. Erica. Very true. The reason I hadn’t been to his place in a while was because when we were actually together, I had decorated and helped remodel the house, for the two of us. After we initially broke up, I found going there extremely painful, and preferred for him to come to my place, where I did not have ghosts of the past. And I would agree about the texting. However, again, as he had always preferred texting, even when he and I had basically been living together, I did not see a change in behavior. Especially since when we had been basically living together, he did not bring his phone into the house or on dates with us. Nor did he when he and I would go out during our on-again, off-again dating after we broke up. I also went out with him and his friends on multiple occasions during that time, which included over night stays out of town, and no one mentioned a girlfriend or acted oddly. I always, when meeting someone new, have insisted on going to that man’s home within the first few dates for the reasons you listed above. It just never occurred to me that someone I had been so intimate with, had trusted completely, and who still told me he loved me, but just needed time to work things out – was being dishonest with me on many fronts. It makes me sad. But I am not going to become an untrusting person simply because I allowed one person to be dishonest with me for an extended period of time. And let’s face it – I was on some levels ripping myself off, by not insisting on more out of our relationship. Had I done so, I would have found out sooner what was really going on. The good news is that once I initially learned he had been dishonest, I was able to truly and finally close that door in my heart. This has enabled me to find an amazing man who is sharing every aspect of his life with me. And enabling me to see how different a relationship can be, when I allow myself to have more.
KimsterOctober 12, 2011 Log in to Reply

I truly respect your ability to take some responsibility for any blinders you may have had on, but while you only felt he wasn’t giving all of himself, he was fully aware he was manipulating, disrespecting, and hurting the hearts and lives of two women. No, all men do not suck, but it never ceases to amaze me how cruel, calculated, and cold some men (and women) can be to a significant other. Sorry you went through that.
- Michelle@MyDevinaOctober 12, 2011 Log in to Reply
  
  Thank you Kim : )
AmandaJanuary 14, 2012 Log in to Reply

Such an inspiring dialog! Thanks for all the great insight here truly inspiring. My bf of 2.5 years. As living with a woman for 6 months he didnt invite me over and so I asked why. He admitted to having a “female roommate” and apologized for not telling me sooner, didnt want me to doubt him bla bla. I never truly believed him and so he invited me over. She wasnt there and “his” room had all his stuff..i went back a few times. She worked late and was never around. Btw, he did spend most weekends at my place.Then one day I was compelled to check his cell…sexual txt between his roommate and him. I broke up with him but took him back as I hadnt cut the contact and he was begging lying and I was too in love and weak. Then he moved out. Half of his things were still at her apt and so we continued to argue and I never regained confidence, trust and faiyh in him. My self esteem took a big dip ever since…broke up wiyh him zillions of times and kept going back. Months later he started dating yet another woman. I got fed up and called the socalled roommate. She confirmed that they had dated for 5 years, lived together for 3 years… He had moved out be. She threw him out after checking his cell, argued with him ea time he was at my place etc. Told me that even after he moved, he was always there etc now, the kicker: 2 months ago he told my family he wanted us to get married. Asked for my hand. I never answered. A week or so later, he was asking his roommate to make him lunch, invite him to dinner and make him his favorite meal… Why did he do this to two women who genuinely loved him? It truly hurts…
- Michelle@MyDevinaJanuary 15, 2012 Log in to Reply
  
  Amanda, I am truly sorry for what your ex bf put you through. I think the important thing to remember, is that you are worthy of a man who is only interested in you, and who loves and adores only you. And you WILL find him. I really don’t know why some people cheat on people they supposedly love. In time the hurt will go away, until then, be gentle with yourself, and know that you deserve so much better. And that that better is out there waiting for you when you are ready. Hugs xoxo
  - AmandaJanuary 16, 2012 Log in to Reply
    
    Thank you so much, Michelle. Your words mean a ton, and you just hit on those two major pain points I am struggling with: low self esteem as a result ( while ppl around me were telling me I traded down by being with him, I thought that would garantee him never look at another woman…wrong) and the belief that there someone good for me out there. But I will continue to strive. My profound gratitude.
    - Michelle@MyDevinaJanuary 17, 2012 Log in to Reply
      
      Amanda, Big Hugs! ! ! ! xoxo