My Devina

My Devina

Unravelling the Web Of The Past

Unravelling the Web Of The Past

There isn’t any “good” way to say this – so I’ll just say it.  One side of my four-sided family is completely f’d up.  There is a history of sexual abuse.  The other day, I got a call from a family member – trying to unravel the past.  It would have been easier on me to tell them to just leave things a mystery.  To not talk about, to just say it’s in the past and leave it there. But the problem with mysteries, they take a lot of energy, and you rarely figure them out.

And, having been there, trying to unravel that same web – from a slightly different angle- I understood.  And so I exchanged puzzle pieces. The sad thing, was that we had both come to basically the same conclusion about where the original abuse had originated. Only me from my view, and they from theirs.  But after I got off the phone, I was so mad.  Not at them, no, just mad.

Mad that I had to relive this whole crazy mess.  Mad that a certain parent had allowed bat-shit-crazy into my life at such a young age.  Mad that said parent had obviously left me alone with bat-shit-crazy, when they MUST have know the history. And mad at myself, but for a while I couldn’t figure out why.  Then I realized, that I in some crazy way, blamed myself for what had happened to me – at age eight.  I mean logically, how is that even possible?  But I was. Why is it that when something happens to a child, they tend to internalize it at some level and blame themselves?

I have seen friends literally try to kill themselves slowly with drugs and alcohol because of the pain of sexual abuse.  I have seen friends blame themselves for conflicts they have had with their sexuality because they are torn (hating men, afraid of men, but expected by society to be with them). And I have seen how others around them, not knowing what is really going on, blame my friends for their responses to that pain.  This time, for me, I was blaming myself on some level for being awoken sexually at such a young age.  For being aware of things I would not have otherwise been aware of in my body at such a young age.  And I became aware of hating myself and my body for that – something I had carried around since I was a young girl. Wow.

Not the phone call I was looking for. But in way, maybe the phone call I needed.  To not only help someone else piece together answers, but also to allow me to let go of some of my pain from the past. And move forward, lighter, into the future.

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My Devina

My Devina

My Devina is a site for women. Someone once described our site as being about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Orgasm." And we would agree. Our goal is to provide a site of of flirty, sometimes controversial, mostly humorous and informative posts written for everyone to enjoy. So regardless if your relationship status is single, divorced, in a relationship, or It's Complicated, www.MyDevina.com has uplifting and fun content for you.

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Comments (12)

  1. greg kissAugust 27, 2011
    I have no words to express how I feel after reading this entry… your a wonderful, strong and beautiful person. you deserve everything special that will come into your life. I’m not really that spiritual; but ‘god bless you’…
    greg
  2. Ann Fudge CluckAugust 29, 2011
    I was also the victim of abuse at the age of 2. My heart goes out to you and for your bravery in sharing.
    • My Devina
      Michelle@MyDevinaAugust 31, 2011
      Thank you Ann. I wish you peace and healing.
  3. CrickyAugust 31, 2011
    I am the victim of sexual abuse at the hands of a relative and I can’t believe how very close to home your words actually struck me.
    For years I have been walking around in a world that doesn’t “get” me. It feels so very good to feel like someone really does “get” it.
    Thank you for sharing.
    • My Devina
      Michelle@MyDevinaAugust 31, 2011
      Hi Cricky. Thank you for sharing. You talking about your experience will inspire others to take those first few steps out of the dark themselves. And know you are not alone. There are, unfortunately, many other women and men out there who share a similar story. In the US, one if four women has been raped or molested. What I have found, is that the more I share with my girlfriends, the more I discovery I am not alone. That we unfortunately share a similar past. And I have also found that they are also my strongest supporters whenever I take a scary step in facing my past, they are always there cheering me on.
  4. What wonderful insight. Almost everyone I know (including myself) has experienced this, yet, I don’t know at what point I learned to move on. I am only glad I did move on. But that does not guarantee total amnesia, unless it is voluntary amnesia. Hugs – I am glad you connected via twitter….because I love your blog. Cheers!
  5. AFSeptember 2, 2011
    “Not the phone call I was looking for. But in way, maybe the phone call I needed…” probably sums it up. Terrific post. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, but I’m very pleased to say that, from an outsider’s viewpoint of your appearance online, you seem to me like a very “together” and exciting young woman. Well done for saying it out loud!
    • My Devina
      Michelle@MyDevinaSeptember 2, 2011
      Thank you AF. It’s take a lot of work on my part, but I would say that I am very much together now : )
  6. Starita34October 28, 2011
    Very brave post and I wish peace and healing for you.
    • My Devina
      Michelle@MyDevinaOctober 28, 2011
      Thank you very much. For the most part, I have found both.

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