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My Devina

Dating: Context and Communication

Dating: Context and Communication

Everyone always says communication is the key to any successful relationship. What is amazing to me, is even when we do communicate with each other, we are still highly likely to not really understand on some level what another person is saying/ talking about. Because we are each looking at the world through our own filters, our own history, our own upbringing which ultimately leads to our own, unique context.  (Context meaning “That which surrounds, and gives meaning to, something else.”

For example, one person can call someone “liberal” and use that as an insult.  While another person can say “liberal” and mean it as a compliment.  In intimate relationships it is not different. Think of in the Princess Bride when Wesley would tell Princess Buttercup “As You Wish.”  For years she thought that is what he was saying, because she was the princess.  But later, as they grew to acknowledge their love, she realized he had been saying “I Love You”

My boyfriend and I almost broke up early in our relationship because of a very small, yet very impact-full difference in context.

Every day as I was working my boyfriend would text me and tell me to “move my ass” or “move my booty” or “move my cute ass.” This irritated the crap out of me.  Because in my world, this implied that I was not going fast enough.  That I was somehow being lazy and intentionally not getting done everything I needed to get done.

Whenever I brought up in conversation that I didn’t like him asking me to move my ass, he would reply that I needed to lighten up he was just joking.  But day after day I would get the same type of text.

I would normally reply that I was going as fast as I could. List the many things still left to do, or that I had accomplished.  And then feel incredibly rushed to finish up my work.  It got to the point that I was not taking any time in my day to eat lunch, or do laundry or clean house after I worked.  I would just immediately get in my car, feeling very unsettled since my home was a mess, and drive over to my boyfriend’s.

Now a sane person might ask, why I wrapped myself up in knot about this, in this way.  My thinking was that my boyfriend was just going through some things, was being needy, and that it would pass.  But in the mean time I was not spending any time at my house. And then telling him I needed 3 hours of my weekend to do stupid stuff I should have been able to do during the week, like laundry, cleaning and minimal errands.

Of course when I was tell him what I still had to do.  Or asking him for time off on the weekend to go get my house in some sort of functioning order – all he heard was “I don’t want to spend time with you, or I’m too busy to spend time with you.”

So here I was thinking I had a needy boyfriend who didn’t want me to breathe without him.  And didn’t even really function with me working 8 hours, let alone 8 -10 hours plus needing to workout, do laundry etc.  And he thought he had a crazy girlfriend who obsessed about the list of things she hadn’t gotten done, and a girlfriend who was pushing to spend less and less time with him.

This almost broke us up.  We were talking and talking and getting nowhere, because we both were so angry.  I brought up the text and again he said “I’m just joking.” I said that wasn’t funny. And this time he added that his Mom use to say that to him all the time as a kid.  In my mind, this was not a plus!  His Mom was incredibly abusive.  And I said to him – well my parents use to say that to me – but what they were implying was that I was somehow slowing them down.  That I was being lazy.  That there was something wrong with me for not already being done.

To which he looked at me like I had two heads and said “That’s not what that means at all! My Mom use to say that to us all the times as kids – it was the closest thing she said to I Love You.  For me it’s a term of endearment.”

So for months whenever my boyfriend had been saying in his own context “I love you. I’m excited to see you whenever you are done”  All I heard was “What the hell is wrong with you, why are you taking so long?”

Luckily, we both loved each other enough to keep communicating until we figured it out.

All in the context….

For another article on communiation see The C Word : Communicaiton Inside a Relationship


My Devina

My Devina is a site for women. Someone once described our site as being about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Orgasm." And we would agree. Our goal is to provide a site of of flirty, sometimes controversial, mostly humorous and informative posts written for everyone to enjoy. So regardless if your relationship status is single, divorced, in a relationship, or It's Complicated, has uplifting and fun content for you.

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