My Devina

My Devina

The Elusive Orgasm: Oh Where Oh Where Did My Orgasm Go?

The Elusive Orgasm: Oh Where Oh Where Did My Orgasm Go?

Ever have sex and not have an orgasm? I have a confession to make. Even as orgasmic as I am, I sometimes have sex and have very few or no orgasms. Why? Who knows! The real question is how we deal with that.

Ideally, sex and orgasm go together. And I believe all women have the ability and capability to experience orgasm. However, sometimes when a woman who does experience orgasm with her partner, doesn’t have an orgasm, but feels good. That’s OK too. Especially if we are for whatever reason are not feeling orgasmic. Sometimes our hormone levels are off. (our cycles, having a baby or new medication can alter our hormones) Or we are just really stressed out and can’t turn our mind off. Or maybe we had very strenuous sex last time and ended up hurting something so we keep unconsciously waiting to hurt again. For whatever reason our body or our mind is not cooperating, but we are enjoying the moment, then that’s OK.

Every time we worry that we aren’t going to have an orgasm – we aren’t in the present moment.  Every time we worry that if we don’t orgasm our partner won’t feel successful, we aren’t in the present moment.  Every time we worry during sex, we are either putting ourselves in the past, or in the future.  And sometimes we are so good, we do both at once! –

“OMG what will my partner think if I don’t have an orgasm this time.” (Future) Or,

“I didn’t have one last time.”(Past) “If this keeps up – he’s going to leave me!” (Future) Or,

“What if I never have another orgasm. What if I’ve lost my ability to orgasm completely!“ (Future)

So here’s what I suggest for keeping oneself grounded and in the present. If, during sex, orgasm doesn’t seem like it’s coming, be OK with that. Take a breathe and remember how much you love to kiss your partner. How much you love to feel his or her hands on your back. His or her lips on your neck, your stomach, your breasts. And remember by touching and kissing your partner how much you love being with them. And how good that skin against skin contact makes you feel.

Sometimes this is enough to allow one’s mind to let go, be present and orgasm. And sometimes, it might not be. But I do know this. Relaxed sex, when one is focused on the pleasurable sensations skin against skin and lips against skin are creating, is a lot more pleasurable, enjoyable, and bonding than sex without it. For as important and enjoyable as orgasms are, worrying about a preconceived goal we or someone else might have, when that goal is getting in the way of the experience, maybe isn’t the right goal to have in that moment in time.

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For more on orgasm see The Multiple Orgasm- Isn’t Up There With Santa, It Really Does Exist

My Devina

My Devina is a site for women. Someone once described our site as being about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Orgasm." And we would agree. Our goal is to provide a site of of flirty, sometimes controversial, mostly humorous and informative posts written for everyone to enjoy. So regardless if your relationship status is single, divorced, in a relationship, or It's Complicated, has uplifting and fun content for you.

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