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The Coffee Date Without The Coffee:

The Coffee Date Without The Coffee:

From the dating archives..

Or as someone pointed out – How my date mistakenly decided I was a dog -and took me for a walk and a trip to Petco instead of having an actual date!

Most of you know- I HATE the coffee date. It’s lame. Its what a guy does when he doesn’t trust his instincts enough, or he’s just, well, lame.  (I’ve only had one good coffee date, so I suppose there are exceptions, but overall it screams I CAN’T EVEN COMMIT TO A DINNER DATE.)  So, against my better judgement I agree to meet this guy for coffee.

It’s freezing outside.  And I rush into the Barnes & Noble near my house (because well, it’s the only place open after 9pm.) My date is not waiting at the door for me.  Oh, no.  That would be too plebeian.  He tells me, I need to come and find him.  It’s a “test” to see how well I was paying attention to his profile.

Um – just a little tip – us girls go through 8 or more profiles a day when doing the eHarmony thing.  We don’t remember what people write.  And besides, half of it is a lie anyway.  So really I don’t pay much attention.

I go to the magazine section – no luck.  I go to the middle of the book store, thinking I will just look for a guy, in a suit, who looks like a successful attorney, mid 40’s who appears to be waiting for someone – no luck.  I’m about to give up when I find him in the travel section.

So I say hello and he says, well let’s get out of here and go for a walk. A walk – it’s 30 degrees outside!  It’s 8:45 pm and this dude wants to walk.  For some unknown reason, I agree.  -We walk aimlessly for a few minutes.  He says “Well we could go in there (pointing toward the restaurant I normally meet guys at) but they would want us to order a drink or something if we sat down.”

Wow.  Successful, 40 something attorney doesn’t want to actually pay for a drink.  Got it.

So I say I’m kind of cold – as we walk past (again) the book store, thinking maybe we could go in and get a flipping coffee.  No —- we then go to the Pet Store – and look at the fish. Not the puppies or the kittens, but the fish.  And he wants us to pretend that we are a married couple arguing over how big of a tank we should get.  Really? – I gave up my night for this? Wow

So luckily the store closes at 9pm  But he doesn’t want to leave.  The employees come looking for us – twice. Tell us kindly the store closed at 9.  He still doesn’t want to leave, actually starts debating with them about if they really need to leave.  They finally turn the lights off!  And as we are walking out the door the employees are all lined up waiting for us to leave so they can leave.

He did then have to buy me a coffee, because there was nowhere else to go. But when I text him to say I didn’t see this going anywhere, he, being an attorney, tried to argue the point.  He actually asked at what point in the night he had lost me….

So here’s the lesson.  Always have an exit strategy. Even if it is your girlfriend calling you. Always have a way out.  This is the one part of online dating I really suck at – the exit strategy….

What do you think? No or yes on “coffee dates?” Would love for you to join the discussion below : )

Did you like this post? If so, you might also likes these: eHarmony Deconstructed,I’m missing NCIS for This? Always Have an Exit Strategy



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Comments (10)

  1. MikeApril 16, 2011
    While I agree this particular guy went overboard in the wrong direction, it is easy for YOU to say it screams “I won’t commit to a dinner” when the GUY usually pays—$60 at least– to find out if the girl is crazy or normal, if there is chemistry, if she actually looks like her picture or if it was taken 10 years and 30 lbs ago, if you have enough in common to even WANT to spend an hour or more together. All of which CAN be ascertained in about 20 min over coffee.
    I wonder if you would be so adamant about dinner if it was YOU who had to pony up 60 bucks every time.
    • Michelle@MyDevinaApril 18, 2011
      Hi Mike. Clearly this post struck a nerve for you. First off, I’m not a woman who would post pictures that aren’t accurate. And in my experience, only the men who are anticipating the date NOT working out, ask for coffee. And guess what? It’s a self-fullfilling prophecy. Those who have faith in themselves, their intuition and their ability to screen potential dates via the eHarmony process, email and a phone call tend to anticipate that the date will go well, and it does.
  2. AFApril 20, 2011
    Hmm… good post! I can see where Mike’s coming from – you do have to remember that not all people (male or femal) are honest (to be more accurrate, few are likely to be honest about themselves on dating sites, even if it’s due to wishful thinking on their part). However, I agree entirely with you re this “non-date”. What a jerk! Why would a girl want to walk around in the freezing cold and see nothing of significance? Let’s face it, if the guy had more than a couple of brain cells functioning, at such an early stage in a potential relationship, he’d want to take you somewhere nice and warm so you’d remove a few layers of clothing and he could get some idea of the accuracy of your physical profile at least, eh? 😉
  3. ChadApril 20, 2011
    It’s not a question about “ponying up 60 bucks” every time. If the date goes well then usually there will be a second date and possibly a third date. So that $60 was spent well. And usually by the third or fourth date the girl is going to insist on at the very least splitting the bill.
    Sure you don’t have to go to dinner on a first date. The coffee thing is a little stretch, as is the searching through the entire book store, and then having your date walk to a pet store when it is freezing outside.
    If one is worried about spending money every time on meaningless dates perhaps they should change their approach to women.
  4. JoiaApril 24, 2011
    I enjoyed reading this, though wow this was an aggressively bad date…
  5. ????May 5, 2011
    Whats up ! Love your . thanks for sharing it with everyone
  6. Connie the Dating CoachJune 9, 2011
    Well, first it was hard to find him since Barnes and Noble is a large store, if he wasn’t waiting for you at the Cafe area. Some women would of given up, due to a miscommunication, where to meet (If in case you don’t cell#s if it’s a blind date). Why didn’t you say to him, we should stay here at Barnes? Maybe I’m like to event plan too much and would object if I’m uncomfortable (like being cold or having to walk in High Heels). I don’t like wearing high heels if I had to do a lot walking. If a guy was a professional, making good income, he probably wouldn’t of mind in paying for dinner to impress you, if her was a nice guy. It seemed liked he was cheap, so he didn’t offer to go into the restaurant to buy you a drink or Happy Hr. appetizers that would be under $30, if they had Happy Hr prices after 9pm. A casual, or hole in wall restaurant like in Chinatown, won’t cost you $60. There are places you can eat for under $40 for 2 people. At least you didn’t waste your time on a 2nd date or a whole month’s worth of dating before you discovered that he was inconsiderate to others, like at the Pet store and to you.
    • Michelle@MyDevinaJune 10, 2011
      Connie – thanks for your comments. And I agree, a dinner date does not have to be extravagant in order to be a great experience. I feel that if a guy has properly screened their online dates prior, then they aren’t wasting money by taking a person they are interested in on a dinner date. I also feel that any guy who has that attitude – isn’t ready to settle down with anyone – because they aren’t looking at the dating experience as a positive thing that is going to work out for them. The above is generally why I don’t like coffee “dates” or meeting for drinks. To me it shows a lack of actual interest in a relationship. It also lacks a beginning, middle and end. So often people say they want a “quick” date to get a feel for someone and pick drinks or coffee. But ironically these are always the dates that last longer than a dinner date because of the lack of an agreed upon finish point, that won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. In this particular case, the guy wasn’t cheap so much as afraid that if I sat across from him I would figure out that his face wasn’t symmetric. So really his antics were more a result of a lack of faith in himself and in me, than anything else. Either way though, not a great date.
      • MarkJanuary 19, 2012
        Most women lie about their weight, so a quick coffee date is the way to go.Even if they are lying but are clever and witty I take them to the restaurant for dinner two doors down from the B&N.

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