My Devina

My Devina

The Lurking Shadows of Sexual Assault/ Molestation Continued

The Lurking Shadows of Sexual Assault/ Molestation Continued

The thing about childhood molestation is, we were young, and we for our sanity’s sake tended to block out or put in shadows those memories. The downside of this is, those suckers can pop up at the most unexpected, unwanted times.  But the plus side I guess is that it kept us functioning and moving ahead as children.

I know maybe this won’t help some people who feel that unless someone who was molested as a child can discuss gory details they weren’t really molested.  But these are just people who in my opinion don’t want to believe that life isn’t always beautiful. Or people who are intentionally trying to hide truth. Or attorneys, and I’m not talking about a court of law. I’m talking about private healing.  In all three of these cases, this type of negative view of people just trying to heal is incredibly detrimental to the process. Not remembering details of assault is pretty typical because in times of distress our conscious mind shuts down, leaving only the subconscious mind still recording.   And just because someone can’t fully remember does not discount or lessen their experience in anyway.

For me, I don’t really ever want to fully remember.  Unless I feel that it’s 100% necessary for my healing. But I’m not sure that it is. I have done alternative therapies to help me when my subconscious mind begins to stir.  But then when something pops up – confirmation from the past that yes these things did happen – and yet another piece of the horrible, dark puzzle is put back in place. I feel that maybe knowing is better.

But then conversely, what does that really help? For a while I didn’t know who it was who did what they did.  I had my suspicions, but I couldn’t pinpoint.  Then one day I could.  Guess what? That did NOT make me feel better!  No, in fact it just pisssed me off.

And made it really hard for me to reconcile the parts of my childhood that I remember that were awesome experiences with this person with this new knowledge. Knowledge that he not only did these things to me, but had done them in the past with others.  And it breaks my heart.  So not sure knowledge is always power. Or always a good thing.  I think I liked it better when I was treating myself like a mushroom (keeping myself in the dark.

Maybe the best way to handle healing is to not judge it.  To not judge remembering. To not judge not remembering. And just allow myself to heal however I need to at that moment. Tomorrow or next year is another day, and maybe my answer will change.  But until then, I will just not judge it either way. And maybe even just as importantly, I am not going to worry about anyone else’s opinion of my opinion or experiences.  Because they are not me. And so in the end, their opinion matters not.


For another blog about healing, see Healing from Rape – The Light At The End of The Tunnel

My Devina

My Devina is a site for women. Someone once described our site as being about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Orgasm." And we would agree. Our goal is to provide a site of of flirty, sometimes controversial, mostly humorous and informative posts written for everyone to enjoy. So regardless if your relationship status is single, divorced, in a relationship, or It's Complicated, has uplifting and fun content for you.

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